Man Math

As Men we have our own ideas on how things should be in our world. We also need things horribly simplified. So here it is, the basics of Man Math. 

Preface: The Instructions are wrong. If it does not make sense, then it must be incorrect. 

Principal One: Reverse it. For example if it calls for 2 every 4 hours, try 4 every 2 hours.

Principal Two: Increase it. If some is good, then more is better.

Principal Three: Double it.  When in doubt, Double it.

Principal Four: Heat it. If something is not working, apply heat.

Principal Five: Hit it with a hammer. It seems to work on most everything. 

Principal Six: Repeat. If none of these help you achieve desired effects, repeat until they do

Orlympics

With the Olympic games starting and the opening ceremony happening on Friday I thought I would hit on some sports that are unfortunately and unfairly left out of the Olympics. 

• NASCAR - Ok, that one is neither unfortunate nor unfair. 
• Tug of war - How awesome would this be? It used to be in the Olympic games but was discontinued after the 1920 games. I can only imagine men with pencil thin mustaches in striped tank tops and greased back hair. What the heck? 
• Knitting - I think this would give old women everywhere something to aspire to
• Video Gaming - As with knitting this would also give a whole new group of people the hope of becoming Olympic athletes. They would instead not be a ripped muscular athlete but acne covered teenaged Cheetos addicts.

Stolen Van

I saw this posted on my Facebook today. Apparently somebody in Oregon had their sweet van stolen. Chickens not only love it, but the family needs the van back to help with their autistic child. Please spread the word. Plus, how will they do their film making or get to Timbers matches? Oh the humanity

Stupid crap on your cars

It is probably no surprise to anyone that there is a huge car culture in the United States. People all over the map spend countless hours, lots of their hard earned money on their beloved vehicles. Not to mention Blood, Sweat and Tears. A lot goes in to these works of art. Their owners are proud people who would stop at nothing to show off their rides. I myself love nice cars whether it is a classic truck, nice motorcycle, an old muscle car, a new sports car or even a hot rod. But there is one trend I am not fond of. Some people just do stupid things to their vehicles that should never be done. I recently saw an otherwise stock looking Lexus SUV with a brush guard on the front grill. "I totally rock the offroading trails in my Lexus" said nobody ever. Other things that do not belong are oversized spoilers on cars that would never in a million years need that much downforce even if they could go over 45 mph or even cars that have wheels on them that are entirely too large. I have seen jacked up 4x4 minivans but the best is a $30,000 pickup with $50,000 in offroad upgrades that has and will never go off the asphalt. Please, just consider others before adding stupid crap to you car. 

Goat Man

So I just read this article on a so called Goat Man.....don't get too many dirty thoughts here. Apparently this guy in Utah has constructed a crude Goat costume and is following around a herd of real goats. Anybody else remember Jim Breuer as Goat Boy on Saturday Night Live? This guy sounds like he may be a few crayons short of a full box to me. Maybe he will try to mate with one as well? Could be Timothy Treadwells little brother who likes Goats instead of Bears. Don't remember Timothy Treadwell? He was Grizzly man, the crazy dillhole who tried to live with Grizzly Bears in Alaska and then they ate him. Look it up. Probably the same gene pool. 

Here is a link to the Goat Boy story http://www.khou.com/news/Goat-man-spotted-in-Utah-mountains--163225436.html

and Timothy Treadwell http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timothy_Treadwell

Outrunning the Cops

Does anybody else ever wonder about running police officers? I often do, and you shouldn't be surprised. My mind goes places that most people would never think of. Included in that is wondering about cops and how they ALWAYS seem to outrun the bad guys. Maybe that just comes from all the Law and Order and other crime shows we watch. TV has to have a certain element of truth to it right? It never fails, the guy could be an Olympic sprinter and still be tracked down on foot by the local police. Maybe it's a requirement to have a fast 40 time.....NFL combine anyone? I'm thinking some of the wide receivers would be great cops on running speed alone. You'd think twice about mugging an old lady if you knew Devin Hester was going to be running you down wouldn't you?

Web MD

Web MD can be a dangerous thing. Not because you can self diagnose illnesses but mainly because you can well.......self diagnose illnesses. Web MD has effectively been enabling hypochondriacs since its inception. I think Doctors must hate this because now every person who has a head cold instead has decided they must instead have Tuberculosis and will for sure spontaneously combust at any moment. 

Radio Silence

One of the worst things is getting in your car and turning on the radio only to find out that the format of one of your favorite stations has changed. I guess what really chaps my buns about it is that you never get any warning. I think you could have the common courtesy to tell me my favorite classic rock station will be playing Tijuana Big Band hits of the 40's tomorrow. But no, you go to work listening to great music and at the end of the day BAM!!!!! I guess I am particularly bitter because that happened to me today. There WAS an alternative rock station in Houston that of course had made it on to my preset 6 in my car. I tend to do the radio  station shuffle from time to time. Everything was fine and dandy and then this afternoon at 5pm.......it magically turned into a christian rock station. Like Cinderella was late getting home from the ball. Mid song mind you and then the whole world came to a screeching halt. (This is my recollection of what happened) So, I'm left scrambling to find a replacement station on my drive home. I even resorted to AM stations if that tells you just how bad it really was. Moral of the story: We need more decent radio stations and less crap filled with DJs who only like to hear themselves talk and play the same 7 songs on a constant  rotation.

Hybrid Deathmatch

Some of you may know this but, I drive a Honda Civic. But, it's not just any Civic, it's a hybrid. Ok, so it's not the most masculine or coolest of vehicles, but rest assured I don't drive it because i'm some tree hugging hippie. I simply have a long commute to work and it gets awesome gas mileage. I spend quite a bit of time on the road commuting to and from work. While on the road, I feel as if there is always some sort of tift between myself and Prius drivers. Almost like a gang rivalry. Who is the baddest of  all hybrids? I think to myself  "yeah, I'm in a civic but I i bet my car could kick your cars butt". Stupid.....i'm in a hybrid civic, but as a guy I have certain things I just need to do. 

Chester the Wonder Dog

Who is Chester the Wonder Dog you ask? Chester is a mixed breed pooch of the Boxer / Saint Bernard variety. At least that is what we believe. Nobody really knows. His idols are Lassie, BATDOG from text from dog fame, and the dog from Turner and Hooch. He hates squirrels, birds and people on bicycles. Hobbies include squeaking and chasing a blue ball, chasing his tail and spying on the neighbors. We think he spends most of his day sleeping much like he is in the picture included in this blog. 

You can find anything on Craigslist

You can truly find some crazy stuff on Craigslist. It's true. I have spent my fair share of time perusing Craigslist for hidden treasures. I have never really found any of these so called treasures. I have came close a few times, only to be propositioned in to sending money to Nigeria. Surely that prince from another country who is not even the same ethnicity as me, is really a long lost relative who is a billionaire. Seems legit. A boy can dream right? Anyway, here is something completely awesome from the best of craigslist.  Birthday hat for a dog

Crossbow Road Rage

Next time you honk your horn at somebody or even show them your sign language skills.....keep in mind they just have a crossbow in the car with them. I recently ran acrossbow, oops across an article about a man who was driving erratically. When another driver honked their horn Mr. Cross pulled out his crossbow and aimed it at the other driver who then called 911. I have to admit I think I would hold off on honking at someone if I knew they had a medieval weapon in their vehicle. Lookout for the guy with a catapult. There was no picture of the crossbow terrorist but I would like to imagine he looked something like this fellow. 

Kobe Bryant is crazy

Kobe Bryant recently came out and said that the current USA Mens basketball team is better than and could beat the 1992 "Dream Team". I personally think he has lost his mind. The '92 team won the gold medal in Barcelona and on the way to it beat their opponents by and average of 43 points a game. The team also included 11 future hall of famers.  Let's look at their roster shall we? The only questionable member was Christian Laettner.

PF	4	Laettner, Christian	6 ft 11 in (2.11 m)	235 lb (107 kg)	Duke
C	5	Robinson, David	7 ft 1 in (2.16 m)	235 lb (107 kg)	San Antonio Spurs
C	6	Ewing, Patrick	7 ft 0 in (2.13 m)	240 lb (110 kg)	New York Knicks
SF	7	Bird, Larry	6 ft 9 in (2.06 m)	220 lb (100 kg)	Boston Celtics
SF	8	Pippen, Scottie	6 ft 7 in (2.01 m)	210 lb (95 kg)	Chicago Bulls
SG	9	Jordan, Michael	6 ft 6 in (1.98 m)	200 lb (91 kg)	Chicago Bulls
SG	10	Drexler, Clyde	6 ft 7 in (2.01 m)	220 lb (100 kg)	Portland Trail Blazers
PF	11	Malone, Karl	6 ft 9 in (2.06 m)	255 lb (116 kg)	Utah Jazz
PG	12	Stockton, John	6 ft 1 in (1.85 m)	175 lb (79 kg)	Utah Jazz
SF	13	Mullin, Chris	6 ft 7 in (2.01 m)	215 lb (98 kg)	Golden State Warriors
PF	14	Barkley, Charles	6 ft 6 in (1.98 m)	250 lb (110 kg)	Phoenix Suns
PG	15	Johnson, Magic	6 ft 9 in (2.06 m)	220 lb (100 kg)	Los Angeles Lakers

 Also included were David Robinson, Patrick Ewing, Larry Bird, Scottie Pippin, Michael Jordan, Clyde Drexler, Karl Malone, John Stockton, Chris Mullins, Magic Johnson and Charles Barkley. My head wants to explode even thinking about the level of talent on this team. NOW, let's look at the current team. 

Carmelo Anthony	F	6-8	230	5/29/84	New York Knicks / Syracuse
10	Kobe Bryant	G	6-6	205	8/23/78	Los Angeles Lakers / Lower Merion H.S. (PA)
4	Tyson Chandler	C	7-1	240	10/02/82	New York Knicks / Dominguez H.S. (CA)
5	Kevin Durant	G	6-9	235	9/29/88	Oklahoma City Thunder / Texas
14	Blake Griffin	F	6-10	251	03/16/89	Los Angeles Clippers / Oklahoma
12	James Harden	G	6-5	220	8/26/89	Oklahoma City Thunder / Arizona State
9	Andre Iguodala	G/F	6-6	207	1/28/84	Philadelphia 76ers / Arizona
6	LeBron James	F	6-8	250	12/30/84	Miami Heat / St. Vincent-St. Mary H.S. (OH)
11	Kevin Love	F	6-10	260	9/07/88	Minnesota Timberwolves / UCLA
13	Chris Paul	G	6-0	183	5/06/85	Los Angeles Clippers / Wake Forest
7	Russell Westbrook	G	6-3	187	11/12/88	Oklahoma City Thunder / UCLA
8	Deron Williams

I would have to say the biggest stars on the current team are probably tied between Kobe and Lebron......without a doubt. But, how could you even name the biggest star on the '92 team? 12 players on the roster......and 11 of them will be in the hall of fame. Kobe Bryant.....you sir are an idiot

Trailblazers to re-sign JJ Hickson

Ok to all of my millions of fans.............about 999,850 of you haven't found my blog yet. It's ok....i'll hunt you down later. This is the first of many sports blogs I will be posting. I just have to put it out there that the Portland Trail Blazers have re-signed JJ Hickson to a 1 year deal. The Blazers did not offer Hickson a qualifying offer in June. They claimed him off of waivers in March after he was released by the Sacramento Kings. He averaged 15.1 points and 8.3 rebounds in the 15 games he spend with Portland at the end of the season. Reports show that his 1 year deal is worth 4 million. What are your thoughts? Did the draft save Portland? This is the Roster as it stands today. Rip City?

	#	POS.	DOB	W	H	COLLEGE
LaMarcus Aldridge	12	F	7.19.85	240	6-11	Texas
Luke Babbitt	8	F	6.1.89	225	6-9	Nevada
Will Barton	-	G	1.6.91	174	6-6	Memphis
Nicolas Batum	88	F	12.14.88	200	6-8	None
Raymond Felton	5	G	6.26.84	205	6-1	North Carolina
Jonny Flynn	3	G	2.6.89	185	6-0	Syracuse
Joel Freeland	14	F	2.7.87	225	6-11	Farnborough College of Technology
J.J. Hickson	21	F	9.4.88	242	6-9	NC State
Meyers Leonard	-	C	1.1.00	245	7-1	Illinois
Damian Lillard	-	G	7.15.90	195	6-3	Weber State
Wesley Matthews	2	G	10.14.86	220	6-5	Marquette
Joel Przybilla	10	C	10.10.79	245	7-1	Minnesota
Nolan Smith	4	G	7.25.88	185	6-2	Duke
Craig Smith	83	F	11.10.83	265	6-7	Boston College
Kurt Thomas	40	C	10.4.72	230	6-9	T-C-U
Shawne Williams	7	F	2.16.86	230	6-9	Memphis
Elliot Williams	9	G	6.20.89	183	6-5	Memphis

Doing makeup in your car

Ok ladies what is the deal? Every morning I see women frantically putting makeup on in their rear view mirror while at the stop light. This morning in particular I was sitting at a red light behind a woman in a Porsche Carrera. She was putting on makeup like her life depended on it.  Why? I understand that sometimes you may be running late but I frequently see the same women multiple times a week doing this. I have an idea and just bear with me on it. Get up like 10 minutes earlier and i'm willing to bet the risk of you shoving that mascara wand into your eyeball is greatly reduced. I find myself running behind from time to time, but i am never compelled to shave in my car. Maybe i'm crazy.

Friends with Tom

Who remembers Tom Anderson? You know, everyone's friend and the guy who used to be the President of the now abandoned amusement park that is known as Myspace. We all recognized his profile picture sitting in front of the white board filled with sketches and wearing his trademark white t-shirt with a big doofy grin. So why do I bring him up you ask? I recently started using google+. I set up an account a long time ago, but just recently started using it. Up popped Tom. I guess I found is amusing that the master of the once powerful almighty Myspace is now on Google+. Not to mention he is even on Facebook. It might just be me, but it seems like Tom is a traitor. No offense Tom you may be a really nice guy, but you are a traitor. You should be on a Celebrity Death Match with Mark Zuckerburg, not on his site. Maybe he has never heard of going down with the ship because he bailed faster than an Italian cruise ship captain. 

A Funny thing happened.........

A funny thing happened Friday as I was walking in to our local H-E-B (For those non texans reading this, that is a local chain of grocery stores). I was on my way in to the store to buy a couple six packs of delicious ice cold beer, and I was successful at my mission. I digress. As i'm walking across the parking lot towards the entrance of the store. I see two teenage boys pushing a cart..........with a blow up doll. Yep, a blow up doll. I was laughing, while a father with his 5 year old daughter was mortified. He was trying to desperately both shield her eyes, and come up with a way to explain to her what this thing was. As it turns out, it was a particular cart boys first week on the job, and his GRANDMA placed the blow up doll in the cart as a prank. I can't or better yet would not ever want to imagine a grandma going in to probably a sleazy adult shop to purchase this item for her wonderful prank. Maybe it's because I think grandma pranks should involve popping her dentures out and trying to give their grand children big kisses. Kudos grandma, for a very well executed prank. 

Blogging 101

Blogging 101

So just as a warning to my millions of loyal fans, this is my first attempt at a real deal blog. I must admit that once upon a time I tried to write a few witty posts back when Myspace was populated by more than Bands and lonely old men.  I have high hopes of being intelligent, funny and insightful. I'm sorry in advance. I mostly hope to hit on random thoughts, million dollar ideas and other various ramblings that flash by on the CNN ticker in my mind. I also plan on hitting on such hardcore topics as Technology, News, Beer, Movies, Music, Games, Cars, Building stuff, Food, Pets and MORE!!!! Now, I know that I am years behind the 8 ball on this whole blog thing but I hope I can connect with even a few people out there. I can't help but wonder if some of our historical greats would have "blogged".  I can only imagine Albert Einstein putting his theory of relativity onto blogspot, or Shakespeare publishing poems on Facebook. 

P.S. My wife thinks i'm crazy